Sunday, May 3, 2020, Day 49, Week 7, Month 2 of Self Isolation.

The Numbers

“Only” 315 new deaths yesterday. Again, it is the weekend so the figure is lower than the real numbers, but still definitely declining.

The News

Honestly, there wasn’t any new news today! All the talk now is about getting back to normal and how this might be possible.

The New Way of Life

I think this has been my worst day today. All the talk is of things getting back to some semblance of normality, but I just can’t see how that can happen for us.

M can’t take the risk of being exposed to the virus and who knows when that will be available, if ever. I made the mistake of reading an article by a senior public health figure in the USA, who was of the opinion that it is highly unlikely that an effective virus will ever be found. Even if , against the odds, a vaccine is found, when will it be available to “Jo Public” like us?

The next best alternative is the “immunity passport” scenario. There is some evidence that the immunity test may be more reliable. Also, talk about people being re-infected is now not thought to be the case. Second positive tests in people who had previously had the virus, are now thought to be due to infected dead cells in their lungs or something.

So, people who are immune can be put on some sort of register. There has even been talk of facial recognition etc. That’s great for them. And it could be could for us in terms of being able to mix with people who are immune. I could get my hair cut by an immune hairdresser, and we could safely receive healthcare from immune nurses and doctors.

But, and it’s a massive BUT, what if you can’t get an immunity passport? What if you can never take the risk of getting the disease? Would you become a second class citizen in some dystopian future? Unable to work, unable to go out to socialise, unable to travel?

I’ve also been wondering if we could already be immune and don’t know it. All this would be for nothing! We are hearing anecdotes about people in Europe who have had the virus way back in December. I think it was in France, that they are re-testing blood samples from people hospitalised with pneumonia in December and some of them are showing up positive.

I had a virus in the first week of March, and M felt really rough while he was having his treatment in February and March. I put it down to the treatment, but he is so much better now that I have found myself wondering if even he may have had it. Although he has bronchiectasis, he is a strong man. Maybe he has already fought it off!

I am so fed up of doing the same things every single day with no real prospect of doing anything different for the foreseeable future. I crave variety. The things that M and I enjoy the most in life are travel, sport, entertaining friends and family, eating out, going to the cinema or the theatre and seeing our children and grandchildren.

Without exception, all of that has been stripped away.

I have no idea when I’ll ever be able to have a cuddle with my granddaughter again. It’s killing me.

We have always enjoyed travel and our lives are geared around that in particular. We haven’t chosen to spend our money on a big house and garden, fancy cars, expensive clothes and accessories. Most of our disposable income is spent on holidays and weekends away. We have missed two trips as a result of the virus. One to Athens and one to Marseille.

We are due to go to Barbados next April for 6 months. We’ve aready booked the house. Now, even that, is beginning to look doubtful. It is predicted that air travel might become prohibitively expensive in the future. Will the property still be available? What will happen to the island as a result of the impact on tourism? Will we be allowed to travel if we don’t have immunity? Hundreds of questions like this keep rolling through my mind.

To some extent, it was that that was keeping us going through this. The prospect of a prize at the end. Something to look forward to. Take that away, along with everything else that is important to us, and the future feels pretty bleak.

Honestly, it’s incredibly depressing and I’m finding it really difficult to be thankful for what we do have and to stay positive at this point in time.

I’m sorry for the negativity. I’m well aware that I’m being selfish and that there are many, many people way worse off than us. I’m just being brutally honest about how I’m feeling right now.

Hopefully, I’ll get my mojo back in a day or two.

On  more positive note, we had a long FaceTime with our son in Sweden in the morning, my sauce was a hit at the birthday celebration and we enjoyed some ourselves with a BBQ’d steak for dinner, and we had a lovely long walk in the afternoon.




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